Love. I just read that love isn’t an emotion but a frequency and it fits so perfectly for what I want to share with you. I choose to share my journey as a caregiver for my husband as he deals with his cancer diagnosis because it’s the caretaker’s journey as well. I want people to know that they aren’t alone when they walk beside a loved one who is physically dying. Every time I write that (dying) I feel like I want to go back, change it and sugar coat it for those who might want the miracle or happy ending. However, I’m keeping it real from my perspective.
Back in January, I approached my husband with the idea of taking a vacation. I’ve watched as cancer has slowly chipped away at his physical and mental abilities and I wanted us to have the opportunity to get away from it all, spend time together with our love rather than his illness and get to the sun and sea.
We debated on cruising or an all-inclusive and decided upon the cruise because there wasn’t a lot of walking needed if he was having bad days. I knew that even if he was having a rough day, we could get food in the cabin and we’d have a balcony to sit on if all else failed. Thankfully his health held up on the cruise- though the omnipresent fatigue was there. We spent lots of time resting, reading and being together.
One night, we went to the bar to see a band perform. We sat side by side in chairs along the edge of the lounge tucked against a wall enjoying the music and even got up to dance to one of the songs. My heart sang at that. We haven’t danced in months and months and it’s something we have enjoyed doing in the past. They were performing Michael Jackson, Tina Turner, etc. Then, the band began Whitney Houston’s song “I will always love you”. If you aren’t familiar with it or need your memory jogged, here it is :
I made it through the first few lines before my eyes started tearing up and tears began running down my cheeks. I put my head on Walter’s shoulder and began to cry in earnest. My body shaking with the emotion of it. The lyrics of the song were tearing my heart open and the ache was spilling out. I was fully present to how much I loved him and how I would miss him. I lifted my head and he turned to me and he had tears running down his face as well.
We sat there holding one another allowing ourselves to feel what we were feeling. Although there were others in the room- it was packed-in some ways, it felt as it was just the two of us. The song ended and I felt wiped out. I was present to our love. I was present to our reality that he is physically leaving me.
I was sitting there with my head on his shoulder when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up and there was a man looking down at us. He went to speak and couldn’t. He placed his one hand on his heart and with his other, he pointed back and forth at us. He looked me in the eyes and said “THAT was beautiful. I saw you across the room and your love filled this whole space.” wow. WOW. wow. The only thing I could think to say was, “Thank you”. He said, “No, thank you.” and he turned and walked away.
We looked at one another and I laid my head back on his shoulder. We had been in our own little world. We’d been totally unaware of the impact our private moment would have on others. That love- that frequency- would ripple out and impact the rest of the room. As we sat nestled in our chairs, being with one another, we were making a difference for others.
I’m not sure if was at that point or the next day, but I said to Walter, “Well, now I know what song will play on the radio when you want to say hello.” Up to that point, we hadn’t really had “our song”. I dubbed Patsy Cline’s At Last “our song” because we’d had some marriages and life lived before we found one another. However, this moment in time solidified an energetic bond to that song and that moment. He responded “yup.”
It’s a moment I don’t think I will ever, ever forget. It is both haunting and beautiful. We’ve been told by so many that our love is palpable but to have a total stranger witness it and then be willing to come up to us and share his reaction was and is priceless to me. It was a defining moment in my life where I got to see the impact of my/our love frequency making a difference for others.
As you live your life and take your journey, know that your energy is rippling out at all times. You are making a difference at all times. All of your emotions have energy. Allowing that love to shine not only makes a difference for those with whom you are sharing that love but for those around you. Let your love shine and ripple forth.
